An Unnecessary and Egotistical Look at the Contents of my Bag

shitty cellphone pic

Borrowed this concept from The Hairpin because I wanted to do some hardcore navel-gazing and also I had to empty out my bag to shake out bread crumbs from a cranberry walnut bun I discreetly ate at work. I’m going to try to explain the items from top to bottom and left to right, like newspaper columns. Hopefully that makes sense.

1. The Bag. This is a teal bag that my mom got for me after I specifically asked her not to get me anything. It has CUPHOLDER pockets and it makes me feel like a ~mujer del mundo~ instead of like a ten year old, which is how I felt in my old backpack. Unfortunately, the stuff that I put in this bag is stuff that defeats its air of maturity.

2. Betty Boop tissues. A friend spontaneously gifted these to me after I told her a little about my life. Yeah. So far, though, I’ve been using them to wipe sriracha off my mouth instead of, like, tears so this is very good.

3. One movie pass for Regal Entertainment. Oh yeahhhh, saving this for a cool date with myself.

4. New earphones. I got these for $3 at Target and I’m not sure what I was expecting but they are not very good. They have a cute star pattern on them though. I am not above the charm of these things yet.

5. An unused band-aid. I have to say that I am so grateful that this is unused because I was really expecting some disgusting artifacts in here.

6. Novel: The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood. I just finished it and it was so murdery and big and trashy and good.

7. Right underneath the novel is a Moleskine that another beautiful friend gave me. I’m trying to write my ~feelings~ in there but so far it’s a list of all the kinds of coffee I’ve been drinking. That’s good too, I guess.

7. A little pamphlet for how to check out books at the Riverside library. HAHA YOU JOKERS, I’VE BEEN CHECKING OUT BOOKS SINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD. IT’S ALL I KNOW; I DON’T NEED YOUR PAMPHLET.

8. A toothbrush. Oral hygiene is important to me and to everyone I know, basically.

9.  A highlighter and several pens that I’ve stolen from people. If you’re reading this and it’s yours, I’m never giving this back and you can pry them from my dead claws.

10. An expired coupon for eyebrow threading. I was pretty mad when I found this. Three dollars??? For eyebrow threading??? What a deal! I missed out.

11. A shocking and shameful assortment of chapsticks. Am I this kind of human being? I just buy and buy chapsticks? I thought I had integrity? My current fave is the plain old cherry chapstick which tastes great, like cherry cough syrup. My least fave is the purple Baby Lips, which tastes like grape cough syrup (unacceptable).

12. A receipt for some really expensive bread from Simple Simon’s.

13. Minty Trident gum. Pro tip: if you put these in your jean pockets, they get really warm and squishy and extra delicious.

14. If you squint, there is a white blob under the gum pack. If you’ve read this far, here’s where things get WEIRD. It’s a plastic baby from a Rosca de Reyes I ate in 2014. There’s been a little plastic baby in my bag for more than a year. Somebody please HELP ME. I don’t want it in my bag but it feels like a sin to throw it away. Every time I try throw it away, I am overcome with guilt and fear that I will be cursed forever.

15. A Pro-choice button. It reads: FREEDOM MEANS CHOICE with the lady power symbol. I keep it next to the plastic baby. Is this fucked up or just slovenly? I try to be a good person.

16. 54 cents.

17. Three bags of Trader Joe’s Green Tea for emergencies.

18. My business cards from the Highlander. I don’t know what to do with these.

19. Two bobby pins aka my life savers.